I repressed a memory that happened to me as a girl at the tender age of sixteen. It was nothing negative. It was pretty beautiful, and there isn't a reason I suppressed this memory, except maybe I didn't want to believe what occurred was a real interaction with Source.
In the past, my mother and father were pretty strict with me. We disagreed on almost everything, they had a strong need to control me, and I had a strong desire to be independent—the clash between us was pretty unsettling. Our constant friction created a lot of insecurity within me as an impressionable girl. Until recently, I didn't recognize the scars I'm working through now were formed from trauma.
Understanding my wounds and growing within my self-worth helps me unravel myself from those entanglements. I had a moment of light flood me when I was sixteen, but I forgot or blocked this experience from my consciousness because I wasn't mature enough to recognize how sacred and trustworthy it was. Thankfully, in my late thirties, the experience came again, except this time, it stuck; I was ready to believe in the energy of Sacred testimony.
For some, you might recall my sharing a message about living in faith. For those that have not heard this message let me share it briefly here. In 2008, I was in a state of incredible upheaval. The dam broke, and a flood of responses to an ongoing issue finally cut loose, and the entire dam wall came tumbling down. I was washed away in its path, flailing to stay above water. Sounds dramatic, I know. At the time, it was very unsettling, my stress level was at an all-time high, and I felt paralyzed by my fear.
The backstory isn't necessary, though it was scary for me then; today, I see it through different eyes. I see it was necessary to awaken me. My heart was closed, and my mind a steel trap. Years of anxiety hidden by anger prevented me from leaving a situation taking a toll on my physical health. Remnants of that stress continue to plague me today. In our bodies, we carry the traumas and wounds of those stressors. It is how we come to be unwell, tight, rigid even.
Soon after everything hit the fan, I took to Source and asked for help. I will never forget the words that stirred awake a sleeping giant. I didn't know it then but I was on a powerful teaching journey. What God said lingers inside me; even if I still forget to believe sometimes, I genuinely trust what has spoken through me so many years ago. God said, "Live in Faith, Child. LIVE. IN. FAITH."
I was scared to believe in something uncertain. I fought against the current for so long, ignoring the softness nudging me to stand up for myself differently. I tried to muster all my strength and be a warrior, but something softer was trying to get me to see my value and worth. It wasn't asking me to fight against myself or others. It was asking me to walk away. Let it go, leave, and be trusting in the flow. I denied this nudge for so long that God, Source, had to make things so unbearable for me to say, enough, I believe. It was my free will choice to expose myself to this event. I know it was not random; it was a part of my soul's destiny to shine.
Love, holy light, the Sacred All spoke to me again, just as it had in my teenage years. Finally, I was willing to surrender and ask for help. That moment was many years in the making, I wish my awakening had been instantaneous, but that is not how it was meant for me. Fifteen years later, I am starting to recognize how valued and loved I am through the universe's heart.
Harrowing events help us to recall something special inside ourselves. It is a choice between trust and distrust—faith and lack of faith. We have the will to overcome anything, but we cannot embrace new beginnings by hanging onto the echoes of our past. God showed me something during the years to follow. Sometimes I was deeply aligned with what God showed me, and other times I tried to hide from it. It is not about being enough; it is about realizing I am the only thing God sees, and I am that force of love and light.
You are the force of divine essence, the shared light of this world. How do you expect to see this as love when you believe in the destroyer of dreams, the ego mind? In my earlier years, I saw things inside my third eye, premonitions that came true. I felt my senses, but a blockage always kept them slightly hidden. Maybe the power of those gifts in the hands of that energy would be dangerous; who knows? It isn't about being good versus evil but about fear and trust. I needed to overcome the anger inside me to find my worth.
“Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?” These beautiful words are from Mary Oliver's poem, The Summer Day, which reminds and inspires me that, first and foremost, my life is entirely what I make of it. We are not the victims of our circumstances; we are their creators. Take responsibility but refrain from blaming or shaming yourself and others. Let go and be true to yourself; you belong to a beautiful life, and it is your choice in how you respond to it.
If you are afraid to believe in yourself, you tangle with the ego and hold yourself back. If you deny faith, you tangle with the ego and prevent yourself from living life. If you are a victim, you tangle with the ego and deny your self-worth. We are all guilty of doing this to ourselves; it is taught to us by our parents and society and causes a gaping hole between ourselves and the divine. You, my dear, you are not alone. You are not forgotten, and you are not left to bear this world without guidance and help.
Pain is pain; there is a lot of that in our world that is unresolved. We must feel it and then move through it so we can allow it to come to rest. God spoke to me in my teens, and I had forgotten this memory until recently. God shared love within me and spoke directly to me, and although I perhaps dismissed this interaction at the time, I now see the value of focusing on it again. This divine memory of this will help me to restore within myself a gap or a hurt that has long held me back.
I've been a blessed soul throughout my life, but with that said, I have suffered inside my traumas. I have kept myself held back or denied my worth. I know how this world feels, those that hurt, I hurt with you, but there is hope; you can heal the echoes of uncertainty. You don't need to be the best or contend with being better. You are only a decision away from expanding your heart, living within it, and listening from this sacred space versus trying to rationalize or default to ego patterns. The power is inside you, the truth will always set you free, and the ego is the fraud.
Witness how you feel at all levels, physically, emotionally, and mentally. Align yourself to love by bringing light into you, regularly wash in holy light, call upon the divine essence to access your fields, thoughts, and yourself, and trust the intelligence of that force to work out what is necessary for you. Soon, you will find how surrender is your best choice and trust your only option. It is now time for your soul to shine.
Pain is not about suffering. It is about remembering how special and selfless you are as a compassionate soul. Believe in the divine energies and sacred wisdom instead of being a victim of your circumstances. Find the compassion you need inside yourself; so your journey can begin as healing love.
All my love,